Jokes 

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Jokes to Cheer You Up!

A few of these are just motivational, and some are religious jokes - if you don't understand them, just smile.

An English Government Agent went to visist a tribe in Africa. The Chief summoned the tribe to listen to a speech.
The Agent began: "I bring you greetings from the Governor."
The natives excitedly chanted, "Inkuzi udoti!"
The Agent said, "The Governor has your well-being at heart."
The natives excitedly chanted, "Inkuzi udoti!"
Much encouraged, the Agent went on, "We are working to bring you better lives."
The natives excitedly chanted, "Inkuzi udoti!"
"We will provide you with medical help."
The natives excitedly chanted, "Inkuzi udoti!"

It went on for a while. When he had finished, the Chief said, Come and look at our cattle. We have prize bulls and happy cows. By the way, be careful you don't step in the inkuzi udoti!"

Did you hear about the atheistic insomniac dyslexic who lay awake all night worrying about DOG?

 Q: What does DNA stand for?

A: National Dyslexics Association

 

Q: What do George the Sixth and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A: Their second name.

 

GROCHO MARX JOKE

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.

 

HAVE A NICE DAY, UNLESS YOU HAVE PLANNED OTHERWISE

 

DIET = Die with a terminal T

            =The rhythm method of girth control.

 

IF YOUR NOSE RUNS

AND YOUR FEET SMELL

YOU ARE

UPSIDE DOWN

 

A man was staggering home from a wonderful party, and decided to take a short cut through the graveyard. He fell into a freshly cut grave. No matter how hard he struggled, he couldn't get out, so he curled up in a corner and went to sleep. A little while later another man coming from the same party, also joyfully tight, took a short cut through the cemetery, and fell into the same grave. However hard  he struggled he was unable to climb or jump out, but his struggles woke the first man, who rose up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "You can't jump out of here."   But he did!

 

A man bought a horse from a clergyman, but was disappointed. Once he was mounted, nothing he did could persuade the horse to move. He climbed off and rang the clergyman and explained the problem.

"Oh, I am sorry," said the clergyman, "it was foolish of me, but I trained the horse myself in a religious sort of way, and I forgot to tell you. Whenever you want the horse to move forward, say "PRAISE THE LORD!" and whenever you want it to stop, say "ALLELUIA!"."  The man went out and mounted the horse, and said “PRAISE THE LORD!" and sure enough, it leapt forward. He decided he had better get used to this, so he directed the horse out onto the road. Not long after he left his gate, a red sports car drove past like fury, horn blaring, and the horse bolted. It leapt the fence and started off across the fields. "WHOA!" shouted the man, "STOP!  WHOA!" but the horse bolted on. The man struggled desperately to remember the strange religious command, and eventually it came to him. "ALLELUIA!" he shouted, and the horse skidded to a halt, splay-legged at the edge of a precipice. The man gazed over the horses neck at the drop below and in thankful relief shouted "PRAISE THE LORD!!"

 

The Holy Spirit dropped in on a Catholic Mass and was surprised to find the priest celebrating in English, so afterwards he went up and asked him, "Why are you not celebrating in Latin?"

"Well," said the priest", we haven't used Latin since Vatican II".

The Holy Spirit clicked his fingers, "Heck, I forgot. I was supposed to go to that!"

 

AS the wedding guests assembled, the MC rushed out and said, "The Weddings off, the truck bringing the drink has crashed and the best man has raped the bride."

As the guests were discussing this and beginning to drift away, the MC reappeared and announced. "It's OK, come back. We've found a licensed grocer still open, and the best man has apologised."

 

A man brought a mule from a farmer, but the mule wouldn't move or obey his commands, so he called the farmer who came over and picked up a piece of 4x2 and gave the mule a whack over the ear. "Hey, said the new owner, I don't think punishment like that is warranted!" "Punishment?" said the farmer, "that isn't punishment, its just that before you tell him what to do, you have to get his attention.

 

A newly married couple were on the mule cart going up the mountain to their new home. A stone rolled across the road, and the mule shied. "That's one", said the man. Another stone rolled across the road, and the mule shied again. "That's two," said the man. Another stone rolled across the road, and the mule shied yet again. "That's three," said the man, and he climbed off the cart and shot the mule dead.

"Hey!" said the wife, you can't shoot a valuable mule just because he shies at a falling rock. How are we going to manage if you"  The man held up his hand, and said, "That's once!"

 

A young man was looking for work, and went door to door around the city. Eventually he came to a window that had a sign asking for a salesman, and went in to see the Manager. The Manager said, "Look, salesmen have to have some particular qualities, and in all kindness, you don't have them." The young man said." BBBBBut I HHave to HHave  JJJJob."

"Oh well, said the manager, we'll give it a try. Here are ten Bibles, go out into some depraved area like Toorak and see what you can do."  Next morning the young man was standing there with the money in his hand and stuttering, "TTTTen mmmore BBBBIbles, PPPleae.." This went  on day after day, and the number of Bibles increased, until he was the best bible salesman in Australia.

When the Annual Conference came the manager said to the young man that he should speak and tell people how he sold so successfully. "IIIIII ccccounldn't tttalk tttto pppeople on staggge", he said, “Well," said the manager, "just pretend it's a sale, and they will get the picture. So the young man went on stage and said,"WWWWell, II ggggo uppp the ppath and knknknknkn ..rring the bbbbell, and wwwwhen sssomeone cccccomes, I say, wwwwwwould you lllike ttttto bbbbbuy a BBBBBible, or shshshshshall IIIII rrrrread it tttto yyyyou?"

 

There was a doting couple who had their only child, Edmund. They were delighted in him as he began to grow, but one thing concerned them greatly. Edmund didn't talk. At his first birthday it wasn't particularly noticed, at his second it was worrying and by his third a matter for the paediatrician, but Edmund said nothing. When he turned four his parents were quietly desperate, but still not a word. They rejoiced when he turned five because he was to go to kindergarten and they were sure that the company of other children would encourage him to speak. But still nothing. So through the kindergarten they sent him to a speech therapist, who was  a lovely girl who worked patiently with Edmund but still to no avail. Not a word! Then the young speech therapist went on holiday and the locum was an old dragon. She had a session with Edmund and when there was no result, picked him up and shook him and shouted, "Why won't you speak, blast you!" "Well," said Edmund, "I haven't had anything to complain about before!"

 

Bishop William Lawrence of Massachusetts [1893-1927] happened upon a driver swearing profusely as he struggled to pry a flat tyre from the rim. "Have you tried prayer, my good man?" the Bishop enquired - upon which the poor fellow in desperation fell on his knees, clasped his hands, and raised his eyes heavenward. He then picked up the tyre lever, inserted it, and off popped the tyre. "Well, I'll be Goddamned!" exclaimed the Bishop.

 

A Baptist Minister decided he should broaden his view of life, so he went to the races. He saw there a Roman Catholic Priest he and decided to watch him for some tips. He noticed that before every race the Priest went down to the Yard and walked around the horses examining them critically, and then walked up to one of them and made the sign of the cross over it. This horse invariably won. The minister watched this wonderful process four times, and decided he was on a winner. Before the fifth race he watched the priest closely, saw him walk up to horse number 9 and make a small sign of the cross over it. The minister rushed off to a bookie and put everything he had in number nine and then ran to the rail to watch. The horses leapt away from the barrier and shot into the curve, where number nine dropped dead. The Minister sought out the Priest and tearfully told him his predicament. "You useless Protestant," exploded the Priest, "can't you tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites!"

 

In South Tamworth a beautiful new Catholic Church was opened, with all mod cons. A man came in to pray, and after he had prayed a while he felt moved to make an offering, and he searched around for a poor box or offering box but couldn't see one. He searched diligently and at last found a brass flap on the back wall so he took out a $10 note and opened the flap. There was a great sucking of air and the built in automatic vacuum cleaner snatched the note out of his hand!

 

The Master pointed his finger heavenward, and said to the disciple, "look yonder at the glory of the heavens and the vision of what is to be!". The disciple thought to himself, "The Masters finger nail needs cutting."

 

I have just heard a tape by Wayne Dwyer, who speaks and writes a lot, and he is sometimes asked how he feels about being bald. His reply, "Madame, I am not bald. This is a solar panel for a sex machine."

 

A Salesman rang a house and the phone was instantly answered by a quietly-spoken small boy. The salesman said, "Could I speak to you Mummy, please?" "No," said the boy, "she's busy." "Well then," said the salesman, " Can I speak to your Daddy?" "No," said the boy, "he's busy." The salesman said, "Who else is in the house?" "Some neighbours" said the boy. "Perhaps I could speak to one of them," said the salesman." "No," said the boy, "they're busy."  In desperation the salesman said, "Is there anybody else there at all?" "Yes," said the boy, "there are four policemen." Good," said the hungry salesman, I will talk with one of them. "No," said the boy, "they're busy." "This is unbelievable, said the salesman, " what are they all busy doing?" The little boy whispered back, "Looking for me!"

 

Two little American boys, one white the other black, had an argument as to whether God was black or white. So they decided to settle it by going into a big church nearby and asking God. They crept up to the High Alter and the little white boy asked God whether he was black or white. There was a priest cleaning behind the Alter, and for a joke he said in a deep, carrying whisper, "I AM WHO I AM". The little boys fled in terror. As they ran the little black boy said to his friend, , "That sure proves God is white. If he was black he would have said, AH IS WHO AH IS!"

 

The disciple came to his Master and said, "I have gazed out at the Universe and realized that it is all the creation of God."

"Ah", said the Master, "I have come to realize that the whole Universe is inside me." The disciple said, "Oh, Master, are you an atheist, then?" The Master replied, "I was, and then I came to understand that I am God."

 

We are starting a company to manufacture little plastic pulpits. If you can't go to sleep, you press a button and a plastic clergyman rises inside it. Instant sleep is guarantied.

 

A lady came up after a Mission and said, Oh, Father Townsend, we will never forget you." He was  positively inflated and joy entered him. "Oh no, Father Townsend, she went on, "we will ever forget you. You have such a loud voice!"

 

A Barber was cutting hair busily when a man walked in and said, "How Long?" The barber looked at his waiting customers and said,"An hour at least." "I'll try to get back," the man said. But he didn't reappear that day. However, next day he was there asking the same question, and didn't come back. This went on for over two weeks and it got under the barber's skin. Next time it happened, he told his assistant to nip out and follow the man, to see what he was up to. After half an hour the assistant wandered in and said, "It's really strange, Mr Harris, he goes straight around to your place, and your wife lets him in!"

 

There was a game of golf in heaven. The first player teeing off was a magnificent bearded old man with flowing Old Testament robes who slammed the ball with enormous vigour into the water. He promptly strode down, held his club up over the water, and as soon as it divided, walked across the floor of the lake, and hammered the ball onto the green.

He was followed by a younger man who hit off very smoothly, but his ball also went to the water, so he walked down, walked across the water to where the ball had remained floating on the surface, and hit his ball onto the green.

The third player was a much older man but he drove off with great power, but nevertheless the ball went into the water. However, after a moment a trout rose to the surface with the ball in its mouth, a great eagle appeared, caught the trout, and flew around until it was over the green, where the trout dropped the ball, which landed dead on top of the flag, and ran down the pole in a circular motion precisely defining the value of Pi to 3,000 decimal places straight into the hole. The younger bloke tapped his club on the ground and said, "Oh, come on, Dad, let's stop messing around and play serious golf."

 

Cameron of Lochiel was out shooting one afternoon with his young grandson when they were overtaken by a furious snow storm and were obviously going to be there for the night. The young boy was a resourceful lad and began rolling up some snow into a ball. "What's that for," demanded Lochiel. "For a pillow, Lochiel", said the lad. Cameron of Lochiel strode over and kicked the ball into the storm, roaring, "I’ll have none of that English effeminacy here!"

 

A group of mice rang the bell on the Pearly Gates one day and when St. Peter popped out they asked for admission. St. Peter wasn't very keen but they pleaded and said that they had all been church-mice and very good and wouldn't cause any trouble. St. peter was in a cheerful mood so he let them in. After a while St. Peter noticed one of them and asked how they were getting on. "Oh, terrific, " said the mouse, " but a little cold, you know. All this walking about on gold and marble chills our feet. Would it be alright if we had little platforms on wheels?" This tickled St. Peter and he said it would be OK.  Some time a later a cat asked for admission to heaven. St. Peter demurred but the cat said it had been a Vicarage cat and given comfort to many distressed souls, so St. Peter let it in. About a month later St. Peter crossed the cat's path and asked how it was enjoying heave.  "Truly wonderful, purred the cat. "The clouds are so soft to sleep on and everyone strokes me and makes me feel at home, and then there is the bonus." "What bonus?" queried St. Peter. "Why," said the Cat, "The meals on wheels!"

 

Big Joe and Little Joe worked in a timber mill. Little Joe was always working through tea breaks, which big Joe hated. One day Little Joe kept working through a tea break and Big Joe stretched out his arm to point to the clock, and the saw cut off his finger.

Little Joe said, "I know what to do. He put Big Joe's finger in a plastic bag, pushed Big Joe into the car and took him to the hospital, where a surgeon sewed the finger back on.

In a few days Big Joe was back at work, but Little Joe kept working through the tea breaks. One day Little Joe kept working through a tea break and Big Joe forgot about the danger, stretched out his arm to point to the clock, and the saw cut off his arm at the shoulder.

Little Joe said, "I know what to do. He put Big Joe's arm in a plastic bag, pushed Big Joe into the car and took him to the hospital, where a surgeon sewed the arm back on.

In a few weeks Big Joe was back at work, but Little Joe kept working through the tea breaks. One day Little Joe kept working through a tea break and Big Joe remembered the danger, didn't stretch out his arm to point to the clock, but pointed with his head and the saw cut off his head..

Little Joe said, "I know what to do. He put Big Joe's head in a plastic bag, pushed Big Joe into the car and took him to the hospital, where the nurses rushed the head and body into theatre. After a while the surgeon emerged, and Little Joe knew from his face that there was bad news. "How is he?" demanded Little Joe. "I'm afraid he's dead," said the surgeon.. "But how could this be," cried Little Joe. "You're a great surgeon, and twice before I have brought Big Joe and parts of him, and you have sewn them back together." "Yes," said the surgeon," but he was dead on arrival. I'm afraid, Little Joe, that you killed him." "Killed him!" "Yes. Little Joe. Surely you know that you should never put anybody's head in a plastic bag."

 

THE REAL ASK

A group of businessmen wanted a famous and wealthy business leader to talk to them and reveal has secret of how he made so much money. The Businessman protested but they insisted so he agreed for a Fee of $10,000. When the time arrived the Chairman introduced the businessman and invited him to speak. The businessman stood up and asked the Chairman for the Fee. The Chairman was flustered and embarrassed but hunted in his pockets and found the cheque and gave it to the businessman, who promptly walked of the podium. The astonished Chairman called after him, "Hey, what about the speech!" The businessman turned back and said, I’ve given it." and added to the Chairman's blank face. "You wanted to me to demonstrate how I earned money. Well, I've just done it. I asked, and you gave it to me. Good day to you all." And out he walked.

 

MONASTERY STORY

There was once a monastery at the edge of the forest. As happens some times, there had been no new vocations for many years, and the number of monks was shrinking as the older monks died and there were no novices to replace them.

The Abbot used to go into the forest to pray, and he met there a hermit who lived in the centre of the forest, and they used to pray together and talk of the things of God, and the Abbot shared his concern for the shrinking monastery.

The number of monks grew smaller and smaller, and one day after a funeral the Abbot realized that t here were only five of them left, and he went in to the forest to pray, and meeting the hermit, he said how distressed he was,

The hermit said, "I am a hermit. I know nothing of communities, so I can't give you any advice. But I have a message for you from God. One of the monks will be a great saint who will renew the Church!"

The Abbot went back and called the monks together and told them the message. They had known each other for a very long time,  and they looked at one another and wondered who the great saint might be! But they each began to treat all the others with greater love and respect, because they didn't know who the saint might be. And after a while, one by one, they each said to themselves, "It might be me!" and began to treat themselves with greater love and respect.

Now after a long time the Abbot was again praying in the forest, when he met the hermit. And the hermit said, "I hope you will pardon a little worldly curiosity, but who is the saint?"

"I don't know," said the Abbot.

"You don't know!" said the hermit. "Have you been looking? Have you been asking the right questions? Have you been directing the life of the monastery towards this vital task?"

"Well," said the Abbot, I've been a bit busy. You see, there are forty of us, now."

 

ALBERT SCHWEITZER

Doctor of Music, Medicine, Music, Philosophy and Theology.

"I decided that I would make my life an argument. I would advocate the things I believed in terms of the life I lived and what I did. Instead of vocalising my belief in the existence of God within each of us, I would attempt to have my life and work say what I believed."

 

CANCER CLINIC

"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be well?"

"You become what you talk to yourself about."

 

 

CHURCH? - BRYCE COURTENAY

I still sometimes got a bit scared about going to hell, and I used to think quite a lot about being born again. But my heart didn't want to open up and receive the Lord. All the people I knew who had opened their heart to Jesus struck me as a pretty pathetic lot, not bad, not good, just nothing. I couldn't afford to be just nothing when I was aiming to be the welterweight champion of the world.

The Power of One,  Bryce Courtenay,  page 210

 

GORILLA

A young man out of work was told by a friend that the zoo was looking for someone to do some work so he went out and found that the gorilla had died and they wanted someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and stay in the cage all day because they couldn't get another replacement right away. The young man wouldn't take the job, but they told him it was $1000 a day so he changed his mind. The first day he huddled in the corner of the cage and didn't move, but all the same he wasn't detected and each day became more adventurous until he was making gorilla noises all the timer and climbing the trees in the cage. A large crowd would gather every  day to watch, and this spurred him on. There was a rope hanging from a tree and he started doing Tarzan like swings from one side of the cage to the other, which the crowd greatly appreciated. One day he swung too far and went clean over the top of his cage and fell into the lions den only yards from the lion. This was it, he thought, and stood up and shouted, "Help, I'm not a gorilla, I'm a person, a human, Help!" and the lion said to him, "Shut up, you fool, or we'll both be sacked!"

 

RELIGION

"The merriment of parsons is mighty offensive" Samual Johnson in a letter to Boswel.

"Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in mixed company." Earl of Chesterfield, Letter to his godson  1694-1773

"Things have come to a pretty pass when religion is allowed to invade the sphere of private life." William Lamb, Viscount Melbourne, 1779-1884

 

A TOUCH OF LEMON

The Very Rev. John Shepherd had a student in College who had a Huntin', Shootin' Fishin' lifestyle and a wit to go with it. The rather pompous Dean of his day complained to Shepherd that the students behaviour in Chapel as  Server had not been appropriate. It transpired that the students reaction to the Deans ceremonial flourish in pouring the wine into the chalice had been to lean forward and whisper, "A twist of lemon, perhaps?'

 

ROBIN HOOD

Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Long John to bring him his bow. He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into the generous green sward of Sherwood Forest beyond which he loved so much. He demanded of Friar Tuck, "Promise me that wherever the arrow falls, there you will bury me." And when Tuck had sworn, Robin Hood demanded the same of the others. Then with his last strength he drew on hew bow and let the arrow fly.

And then he died, smiling. And next day, as they had promised, they buried Robin Hood on top of his wardrobe.

 

VICARAGE BURGLARY

A burglar was creeping across a room in the Vicarage in the religious darkness when a voice right in his ear said, "Jesus is watching you!" The burglar spun round and shone his torch at the voice. He found himself gazing at a parrot in a cage. He sneered, "So you're Jesus, are you?"  "No," said the parrot, I'm Joseph. Jesus is the Doberman behind you!"

 

JONATHAN SWIFT

Charity Sermon

Dean Swift of Gulliver's Travel fame was not noted for brief sermons, but he managed this charity sermon. "Proverbs 19:'He that hath pity on the poor lendeth unto the Lord: and that which he hath given he will pay him again.' You have heard the terms of the loan," Swift continued, "and if you like the security, put down your money."

Marriage.

Swift was sheltering under a tree in a terrible storm, and was joined by a rough looking man and a pregnant woman. It transpired that they were en route to the local town to be married. As the woman seemed likely to give birth at any moment, Swift offered to marry them, and they readily agreed. After the storm the pair were about to go on their way when the man remembered that he should have a marriage certificate. Swift obliged by writing:

Under an oak, in stormy weather,

I joined this rogue and whore together:

And none but he who rules the thunder,

Can put this rogue and whore asunder.

 

THE HOOP STORY

A middle aged businessman was feeling out-of-sorts and went to the doctor, who examined him and said, "All that's wrong with you is that you need exercise. How far do you live from your office?"  The businessman said, "About four kilometres." Alright," said the doctor, “No more driving. Go down to the toy shop and buy an old-fashioned hoop.  Run it to work in the morning and back home at night, and you will be right as rain in no time."  The businessman spluttered, "I'll be terribly embarrassed if I do that!" "You choose," said the doctor, it's that or a health camp."  So the man bought a hoop and took it to the office and back every day. He was not able to take it up to his office in the lift, so he asked the garage attendant if he could leave it outside his cubicle at the door. After about a month he was really feeling accustomed to the hoop and very much better, but after work one day he came down to the garage and found that his hoop had been stolen. The attendant was sympathetic. "There were some kids running about here, I guess one of them pinched it. Never mind, you can buy another one tomorrow." "That's all very well," the man said, "but how am I going to get home tonight!"

 

LIONS AND TIGERS

It is said that if you skin a lion and a tiger, only an expert vet could tell the carcasses apart. The difference lies in their behaviour. Loins tend to have lunch and then go to sleep or lie about until they are hungry again. Tigers, on the other hand, eat and then prowl about their territory making sure that it is all happening!

 

TEN LITTLE WORDS

If it is to be, it is up to me.

 

MOTHER THERASA

Mother Therasa hasn't always been a 'living saint'. Until she was fifty she taught rich schoolgirls, and only began to care for the dying when she was stuck with a dying man no hospital would admit.

 

 

CONRAD HILTON

A REPORTER ONCE ASKED CONRAD HILTON WHETHER HE WOULD HELP OTHERS NOW THAT HE WAS SUCCESSFUL. HILTON OBJECTED TO THE QUESTION

"NONSENSE,"  HE SAID, "I WAS SUCCESSFUL WHEN I WAS A CLERK IN A ROOMING HOUSE. I KNEW THEN THAT I WOULD BUILD A CHAIN OF HOTELS."

 

WHEN CONRAD HILTON PRAYS FOR SOMETHING, HE GETS IT, PERHAPS BECAUSE HE NEVER FORGETS TO THANK THE ONE TO WHOM HE PRAYED

 

NZ STUMP  A girl from New Zealand went up to the counter of the Post office and said, "I’d like a  stump, please. The smart Alec behind the counter said, We don't sell stumps. This is a Post Office.” So the girl said, "Well, give me a short post, then."

 

TEXAS CHURCH [Readers Digest] A Texan walked into a church office and said to the parish secretary, “I’d like to talk to the chief hog"  The secretary said, "We do not refer to our pastor as a pig!" The Texan persisted, "Girlie, I am going to talk to the chief hog!" The secretary blustered, "I am not girlie, and the minister is not a pig!"  The Texan leaned into her. I’m here to make a donation of $50,000." "Goodness", said the secretary, "I think I hear the little porker coming now."

 

MARRIAGE. A telegram from the Bishop was received at a wedding breakfast too late to be read, so the new wife put it in her handbag. That night in the hotel while her husband was getting ready for bed, she remembered and opened the telegram. The Bishop wanted to tell them, :" There is no fear in love, Perfect Love casteth out fear" but he had saved money by just using the verse number Unfortunately the telegraph clerk had left out the 1, so it read John 4.18. The new wife got hold of the Giddeon Bible out of the hotel room draw and looked it up. It read. "He whom you now have is not your husband"

 

BISHOP. An ancient Bishop was attending a service at which a young curate was preaching, and he was much taken by the curates opening words, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife .... I refer, of course, to my dear mother!"  A little later the Bishop was to preach at the annual service of the Mother Union, and he recalled the opening few words, and launched in, I'm a  married man, but the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife, I refer, of course, to  ... er ...er   I'm dammed if I can remember who it was .......big breasts, though.

Q: What's  black and charred and hanging from the ceiling?

A: An Irish electrician.

Q: What was his name?

A: Chan'del'ier.

 

Of course I back the preferred two party system. I like to have one about 7.30 and another just before midnight.

 

Buy Woof Dog Food, the one dogs ask for by name.

 

Our Hair Restorer doesn't come with a guarantee, it come with a comb.

 

My father and mother were first cousins, which explains why I am so alike.

 

Lady in bingo queue when funeral goes by, kneels and crosses herself. Person says to her, "You're very religious, aren't you!"  "And why wouldn't I be," she replies, "He was a good husband to me!"

 

Man rings up the Vicar and asks whether there are golf courses in heaven.

"I don't know, " says the Vicar, "I will have to find out."

The Vicar calls back in a few days. "I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that there are fantastic golf courses in heaven which are far superior to anything you can find here. The bad news is that you tee off next Monday morning at 10.47.

 

Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

1. Because he had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a referred journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7. His co-operative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. He had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

A five dollar bill met a hundred dollar bill and said,
'Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around
here much.'

The hundred answered, 'I've been hanging out at the casinos,
went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, visited
the United States for awhile, went to a couple of football games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?'

The five dollar bill said, 'You know, same old stuff...
church, church, church.'

 

Comforting Words

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital
just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation,
don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening
about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

 

Diets & Dying

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief
to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Apparently
what kills you is Speaking English.

 

Some jokes are derived from Friday Funnies  https://www.facebook.com/FridayFunniez/
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 © David Townsend 2014